Onion article students piece together life of teacher thru computer
- “The past tense was deemed by school administrators to be too expensive to keep.”
- “The Tennessee Department of Education decided Monday to remove “-ed” endings from all of the state’s English classrooms, saving struggling schools an estimated $3 million.”
- Teachers protested that students will suffer in ways “like being able to describe anything that happened earlier in the day.”
- “Our tax dollars should be spent preparing our children for the future, not for what has already happened,” said Sen. Orin Hatch.
- Some schools will need to do more and be “forced to cut addition and subtraction from their math departments.”
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“After years of watching it struggle to perform academically in nearly every area of study, U.S. education officials told reporters Wednesday they have begun to think maybe school just isn’t the nation’s thing.”
The Onion Reports
- “We need to accept that maybe the United States just isn’t cut out for this.”
- “Administrators said that costly programs to introduce laptops and tablet computers into schools have only made the U.S. populace frustrated … and still unable to grasp basic concepts or solve straightforward problems.”
- Leaders concluded this “after a last-ditch measure to prescribe attention-deficit medications failed to appreciably improve results.”
- “There are other things America can do instead … for example there’s always the military.”
- School “only served to make [the U.S.] feel pessimistic and self-conscious about its meager test scores.”
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“Parent-teacher conferences can be a valuable way to foster a better learning environment for children both in and outside of the classroom. The Onion offers tips to both teachers and parents for making the most of this meeting.”
The Onion Suggests
- “Begin by acknowledging there’s more than enough blame to go around.”
- “Teachers can create a comfortable, relaxing environment by removing anything from the room that will remind parents of their kid.”
- “Educators should avoid using too much educational jargon with the parents, like ‘AR-15’ or ‘ballistic trauma.’”
- “Parents must be prepared to respond to any mention of their child’s troubling behavior by crossing their arms and saying, ‘That doesn’t sound like Jacob at all.’”
- “It’s absolutely imperative that both teacher and parents do their best to not let on that they have no idea what the hell they’re doing.”
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“According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of American parents are choosing to have their children raised at school rather than at home.
The Onion Reports
- “Secretary Anthony W. Miller said that many parents who school-home find U.S. households to be frightening, overwhelming environments for their children.”
- “Every year more parents are finding that their homes are not equipped to instill the right values in their children.”
- “According to the report, children raised at home were less likely to receive individual adult attention.”
- “‘These teachers are dealing with upwards of 40 students in their classrooms at a time, so obviously they know a lot more about children than someone like me,’ said one parent.”
- “Overburdened public schools have recently led to a steady upswing in the number of students being prison-homed.”
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“Citing the need to measure student achievement as its top priority, the U.S. Department of Education launched a new initiative Thursday to replace the nation’s entire K-12 curriculum with a single standardized test.”
The Onion Reports
- “Assessment will be used in every public school across the country, will contain identical questions for every student.”
- “By administering one uniform test to our nation’s 50 million students, we can ensure that every child is evaluated by the exact same standard, regardless of background, age, or grade level.”
- “Eliminating the teaching model will provide us with the most affordable and efficient means of measuring student proficiency.”
- “Jeff Escudero, a 10-year-old from Winamac, IN, plans to take the test and hopefully complete his primary and secondary education next month.”
- “Tying teachers’ salaries to the test scores of the students they hand the assessment to will also ensure accountability.”
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What do you Think about these suggestions from The Onion?
